These jokes are original and are an excerpt of my book, “The Big Book of Pun-ishment”. Let the humor begin!

Why did the flatworm lose its gold medal for swimming?

• Because its victory was a fluke!

What do you call someone with Lyme Disease?

• Totally “ticked” off

Which insects make the best necklaces?

• Pendants

What do you call a fish on a line?

• A hooker

What do peas and dolphins have in common?

• They both live in pods

What is a geisha’s favorite animal?

• A Kimono Dragon

What is the trumpetfish’s most prolific rival?

• Fiddler crabs

What do you call a well-endowed halibut?

• A fatfish

What is a filefish’s favorite occupation?

• Accounting

What is the biggest liar on land?

• A lyin’

What is the biggest liar in the sea?

• A lyin’ fish

What type of animal is Mothra?

• A social butterfly

What do you call Godzilla’s children?

• Sequels

What do you call a person who mimics monkeys for a living?

• Someone who is just keeping up “ape”arrances

What do you call pigs with acne?

• Warthogs

What did the pigs say about the champagne?

• They said it was swine

What do they call female prison wardens?

• Dungeness crabs

What do you call a conceited clam?

• A selfish

What do you call an artistic camel?

• The Dali Llama

Why was the flea market so dirty?

• Because the dung beetles did a lousy job cleaning the place!

“Did you hear about the gorilla that received the Nobel Prize for Economics last year?”

• “Yes, he discovered the mathematical formula for monkey business”

What do you call a panther that goes to strip clubs?
– A polecat

What do you call a hungry bird?

• Peckish

Where did the two leeches build their houses?

• At a pair-a-sites

What do you call a young Yellowtail?

• A whipper-snapper!

What is the scientifically proven method of protection from wild zebra attacks?

• The use of horse fields

How do parasites measure their body length?

• In inchworms

What do you call a dog on an escalator?

• A stair-wolf

What do you call pan-fried dachshund?

• Weiner Schnitzel

What do you call a bull on steroids?

• Beefy

What do you call a parasitic sheep?

• A ram-ora

Why are sheep such terrible leaders?

• They are baa-d examples in every possible situation

What do you call a sarcastic donkey?

• A smart ass

What do you call a horse that has gone out to pastor?

• Religious

What happens when you feed chickens dynamite?

• Their eggs explode

What happened to all of the chickens in Chernobyl?

• They glow in the dark now

What do you call birds that can only fly between restrooms?

• Stool pigeons

What are the worst birds to share secrets with?

• Stool pigeons

Where do tigers go after they die?

• To the catacombs

Where do tigers go for burials at sea?

• On catamarans

What do you call a fish that is always on point?

• A pencil fish

Published by Andrew Blitman

Andrew Blitman is a poet and artist who is also the webmaster of this blog. He is the published author of 13 books, including "Birthright 2012: A Voyage into the Heart and Soul of Israel" and the "Wild Writers" Series. He can be reached at this e-mail address: andrew.blitman@gmail.com View all posts by Andrew Blitman