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I Have Some Jokes and One-Liners for You!

  1. “Did you hear about the gorilla that received the Nobel Prize for Economics last year?”
    – “Yes, he discovered the mathematical formula for monkey business”
  2. What is the scientifically proven method of protection from wild zebra attacks? (The answer is always a Horse Field)
  3. What do you call a dog on an escalator?
    – A stair-wolf
  4. Boy, I have trouble conducting myself. If my life was a train, it would have derailed itself before it even left the station!
  5. The worst thing about that volcanic eruption is that all of our chances of survival go completely downhill from here.
  6. The people who work at the Cheesecake Factory sure are glad they don’t work at the Key Lime Sweatshop!
  7. Boy, I have bad luck with women. The last person who found me a girl that wanted to talk to me earned the Nobel Prize for Matchmaking.
  8. My friend CostCo is always giving me free samples.
  9. My friend Mojito is unusually strong. He knocked me out yesterday.
  10. What are my friend Kabob’s chances of living a happy life?
    – Totally skewered
  11. What do you do with elbows and knees?
    – You put them in joint custody
  12. Why did Levi Strauss invent blue jeans?
    – So that he would always wear the pants in his family.
  13. What is the worst gift you could give to your Valentine?
    – A heart attack
  14. Where did Miss Maple meet her husband?
    – At the Sap Convention
  15. What is the way to an accountant’s heart?
    – By defeating him in a numbers game
  16. What is the foundation of America’s judicial system?
    – Mistrial and error
  17. Why is Lady Justice blind?
    – Because she is Miss Trial and Error
  18. What happens when Ellen Degeneres stops giving to charity?
    – She becomes “Ungenerous”
  19. How do you get a statistician drunk?
    – You take him to the bar graphs
  20. Why did the Gobbledygook teacher quit his job?
    – Because he was tired of all the gibberish
  21. Why are pillows so vindictive?
    – Because they have cases for and against everyone
  22. Why do angels have a stairway to Heaven?
    – Because the escalators are broken
  23. What do you call a revolving door in a prison?
    – A non-slammer
  24. Why are circles so common?
    – Because they are always around
  25. What do you call someone who lives below a library?
    – An understudy
  26. What do you call a dead leprechaun?
    – Unlucky
  27. What happens to drivers who get stuck in roundabouts?
    – Their lives come full-circle
  28. Why did the geologists agree to stop their fighting?
    – Because they realized the quarrel was nobody’s fault but their own
  29. How do harps tell the truth?
    – They can’t. They’re all lyres
  30. What is the worst thing you can do to an atomic bomb?
    – Push its buttons

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