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- “Did you hear about the gorilla that received the Nobel Prize for Economics last year?”
– “Yes, he discovered the mathematical formula for monkey business”
- What is the scientifically proven method of protection from wild zebra attacks? (The answer is always a Horse Field)
- What do you call a dog on an escalator?
– A stair-wolf
- Boy, I have trouble conducting myself. If my life was a train, it would have derailed itself before it even left the station!
- The worst thing about that volcanic eruption is that all of our chances of survival go completely downhill from here.
- The people who work at the Cheesecake Factory sure are glad they don’t work at the Key Lime Sweatshop!
- Boy, I have bad luck with women. The last person who found me a girl that wanted to talk to me earned the Nobel Prize for Matchmaking.
- My friend CostCo is always giving me free samples.
- My friend Mojito is unusually strong. He knocked me out yesterday.
- What are my friend Kabob’s chances of living a happy life?
– Totally skewered
- What do you do with elbows and knees?
– You put them in joint custody
- Why did Levi Strauss invent blue jeans?
– So that he would always wear the pants in his family.
- What is the worst gift you could give to your Valentine?
– A heart attack
- Where did Miss Maple meet her husband?
– At the Sap Convention
- What is the way to an accountant’s heart?
– By defeating him in a numbers game
- What is the foundation of America’s judicial system?
– Mistrial and error
- Why is Lady Justice blind?
– Because she is Miss Trial and Error
- What happens when Ellen Degeneres stops giving to charity?
– She becomes “Ungenerous”
- How do you get a statistician drunk?
– You take him to the bar graphs
- Why did the Gobbledygook teacher quit his job?
– Because he was tired of all the gibberish
- Why are pillows so vindictive?
– Because they have cases for and against everyone
- Why do angels have a stairway to Heaven?
– Because the escalators are broken
- What do you call a revolving door in a prison?
– A non-slammer
- Why are circles so common?
– Because they are always around
- What do you call someone who lives below a library?
– An understudy
- What do you call a dead leprechaun?
- What happens to drivers who get stuck in roundabouts?
– Their lives come full-circle
- Why did the geologists agree to stop their fighting?
– Because they realized the quarrel was nobody’s fault but their own
- How do harps tell the truth?
– They can’t. They’re all lyres
- What is the worst thing you can do to an atomic bomb?
– Push its buttons